Last week was rough. 

I can’t quite put my finger on the culprit, but the week culminated with me weeping my way through church and struggling to keep it together during what should have been a fun and happy family function.

It might have been lack of sleep.  Every night last week I’d crawl into bed for “just a minute” to talk to TTO when he hit his much earlier bedtime (due to the insane schedule that he is STILL working) only to wake up hours later with gritty, unbrushed teeth, eyes that were dry and scratchy because I’d fallen asleep with my contacts in and yet another crop of junior high-style zits because I’d neglected to wash my face.  Blearily I’d fumble through my truncated night-time routine only to crawl back into bed and hear the alarm buzz.  Needless to say, my house was a wreck, laundry piled up and I didn’t work out at all.

Maybe it was personal stress.  I invited a college friend and her boyfriend over for dinner on Saturday night.  This is one of the friends that will require a lot of bridge-rebuilding and while I’m more than willing to do it, I was reasonably nervous about everything from the appearance of our house to buying the correct salad dressing.  I spent ALL DAY Saturday cleaning and prepping food.  I did not stop moving until we sat down to eat.  Everything went better than I could have anticipated – she even sent a sweet thank you note.  That didn’t ward off the insomnia that I experienced later that night.  Neither did the wine.  Every time I tried to close my eyes they would snap back open due to my racing mind.

What was racing through my mind?  I felt like I’d made a big mistake. 

For some reason last week I let what co-workers were telling me about my bosses get to me.  I listened to their horror stories and started to panic.  My previous boss was the kindest, most integrity-filled person I have ever encountered in my professional life.  All I could think was, “I need to go back.”  So at 2:30 in the morning I sent a desperate email to a former co-worker asking if she thought they would be willing to bring me back.  To a job that I left because I knew it offered no future.

It took until Sunday night for me to realize (with TTO’s and my dad’s help) that I’d been here before.  Several years ago I worked in retail management and was reassigned to a new store.  “Where are you headed,” they would ask.  “IVH,” I’d answer.  “Oooh, you’d better watch out for C.  She’ll eat you alive.”  On my first day I met C.  She’d been with the company for decades and had seen her fair share of young managers come and go.  I realized that she was a wealth of knowledge.  She was willing to teach me.  No one had ever asked for her input before, they just came in and started bossing her around.  C was a guest at my wedding. 

At my last job I was warned early on about one of our outside contacts.  She was overly demanding, they said, a first class b-word.  It was obvious from our first phone conversation that she just needed to know that we were on her side.  I did everything I could to make her life easier and her appreciation was evident.  My former colleagues still refer to me as the “analyst-whisperer”.  She acted as a work reference for me when I applied for the new job.

I KNOW I can handle difficult people.  Why was I doubting myself?

I went to work on Monday feeling very tentative.  Thanks to a much better night’s sleep than I’d been getting I did feel prepared.  It was a good day.  I emailed that former co-worker, apologized for the attack of the crazy and asked her to please disregard everything I’d said.  I came home and got a bunch of neglected tasks accomplished.  Then yesterday, towards the end of the day, the bosses called me into an office.  Unexpected meetings like that always make me paranoid. 

Did they know about my doubts?  My overly-emotional weekend?  How?

“We think you’re doing a great job.”  “We couldn’t be more pleased.”  “We’d like you to have the vacant office.” 
(Please note – I’m not trying to brag, just retelling the facts.)

 Right.  After just two months, I’ll get to move into my own office on Monday.  Honestly, I think it will do a lot to ease some of the inter-office tension I’ve been feeling recently.  At the very least it will give me an opportunity to check Google Reader without worrying about getting caught.

Things are rosier.  Prayers were definitely answered.  And I am VERY thankful for that.  And for people that see my crazy and love me anyway.

Advertisements